What Is the Proper Number of Dates Before Having Sex?

Kristin Cavallari is a TV personality, fashion designer, podcaster, and author. The first role that brought her notoriety came in 2004 as a cast member on the MTV reality series Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County. She later appeared in a spin-off series called The Hills. Then, in 2018–2020 she appeared in her own E! reality series called Very Cavallari. She has also starred in various other TV shows and films. She was married to Chicago Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler, from 2013-2022, and has three children.

Over the years, she has been well known for having dated a LOT of guys. On a recent podcast, she was asked by a listener, “How many dates until you sleep with a guy?” Her answer ... “I don’t think it ___ matters. It doesn’t ___ matter if you sleep with him the first or the 10^th date. If there is chemistry and feelings there, it doesn’t matter.” She shared that she used to “wait three or four dates” before becoming intimate with someone, but realized if it was the right person, the amount of time didn’t matter.

After sharing that tid-bit of information, she got a LOT of feedback. Many people were horrified and responded that it was terrible advice for young females. Many others completely agreed with her.

So, how about it? Does it really matter when a person decides to have sex with someone they are dating?

Well, at this point, we must ask another question: What would make it matter? People who are Christians are going to evaluate that question in one particular way, while those who don’t believe in God will think about it in quite a different way.

For people who don’t believe in God, the answer is going to more closely correspond to Cavallari’s answer. If there is no God, then there is also no objective moral standard that would make casual sex out to be something wrong. There will be Atheists who make up their own personal standard for sexual morality, and may want to be more discriminating than Cavallari. But there would be no objective reason why. In order for there to be an objective moral standard, there must be an objectively real moral law giver who is in a position to tell mankind what is right and wrong – a transcendent God, if you will. But if there is no God, then man had to have somehow originated by natural means – which would make human beings nothing more than one natural animal among many. With that, there is no objective moral standard governing sexual relationships. Instead of moral standards, the purpose for sexual relations could only be for procreation and pleasure.

If, on the other hand, the God of the Bible does exist, then Cavallari’s hedonistic approach to sexual relationships is, indeed, horrible. And the reason it is horrible is because God has revealed in Scripture that sexual relationships between a man and a woman are for a particular purpose. Relations that occur outside of that purpose are immoral.

The Bible reveals that mankind was created in God’s image, which means we are creatures who have the personhood characteristics of God Himself. This doesn’t mean that we are gods, but we are persons who have personhood characteristics. This includes such characteristics as self-consciousness, free will, creativity, analytical ability, and the like. This makes us creatures who are capable of self-conscious relationships.

Scripture also reveals that mankind’s purpose is to live in relationship with God. But to do that, the sin that is part and parcel of our lives must be mitigated by Christ’s redemptive work. And for that to happen, individuals must give their lives to God. Those who truly do that will put aside what he calls sexual immorality.

At this point, the question becomes: What is true? Does Atheism’s moral relativity represent reality, or does God actually exist, and has He revealed the truth about sexual morality?

While most Atheists try to claim there is no evidence that God exists, the truth is there is evidence – powerful evidence. It is just that the evidence is not empirical. You can’t go into a lab and prove, using science, that God exists. The most profound evidence rests in logic and human experience. Logically, it makes sense that God exists, and experientially, literally millions of people over the course of centuries have met God in a personal relationship.

And turning the tables, there is no evidence to support the Atheist position – the view that the natural universe, operating by natural laws, is all that exists. You can’t demonstrate that belief using science, and it doesn’t make sense either logically or based on human experience.

So the answer to the original question about what is the proper number of dates before having sex lies in God’s purpose for mankind. And what we see at the most obvious level is that it is actually the wrong question altogether. It is not about the number of dates, but about the commitment a man and woman make to one another before God to marry and be together for life.

Freddy Davis is the president of MarketFaith Ministries. He is the author of numerous books entitled The Truth Mirage, Rules for Christians Radicals, Liberalism vs. Conservatism, and his latest book Shattering the Truth Mirage and has a background as an international missionary, pastor, radio host, worldview trainer, and entrepreneur. Freddy is a graduate of Florida State University with a BS in Communication, and holds MDiv and DMin degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is a popular speaker, particularly on the topic of worldview and its practical implications for the Christian life. He lives in Tallahassee, FL, with his wife Deborah.

You may also contact Freddy at Leadership Speakers Bureau to schedule him for speaking or leadership engagements.

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