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Remember my post about trying too hard, and if not, here is the link to remind you. I received a lot of responses to that post. Many said it was the very thing that they needed to hear because they related to it.
But the most interesting response was from the leader that recognized herself in the post. She said, “Ouch! Thankfully, this type of behavior can be tamed with the help of an excellent coach.”
Not my intent at all! I would never want to make anyone feel badly.
I quickly responded with “Ha-ha – I admire you so much. Please know this was not intended to hurt. Quite the opposite! Our work can inform others. You have addressed this and embraced the needed balance. I hope you know and feel that.”
On our next call we talked about it. I explained that she should feel good because she has come such a long way in recognizing the behaviors that weren’t working.
What I said to her was that one of the things we need to recognize is that our intent and our impact aren’t always the same thing. Her intent was to be helpful. Her intent was to add value.
The impact was often quite different. You can guess how adding too much value may make someone feel. Which is, it’s not good enough. I’m not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough for you.
Together we came up with a new way to try to match her impact to her intent, (which is how can I help). She now asks specific questions including What can I do to make your day better? Or what do you need from me right now? Or what would be most helpful?
A lot of times when somebody comes to us, we advise or interpret. We listen autobiographically and tend to respond in one of four ways:
- Evaluate. We either agree or disagree. “I think you are ….”
- Probe: Ask questions from own frame of reference. “Did you try…”
- Advise: Give counsel based on our own experience. “If I were you, this is what I would do…”
- Interpret: Explain others motives and behavior based on our own motives and behavior. “Here’s why I think they did that…”
Do any of those sound-like typical responses?
The Solution: Diagnose before you prescribe so that our intent can match our impact.
I learned I could have given her a heads up since I know she reads these posts every week. As she reads this, I trust she knows she is an inspiration to me and others.
Share some ways where your intent matched impact. I would love to see more examples.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Michelle Tillis Lederman, (CSP, PCC, SCC, MBA) is an expert on workplace communications and relationships. Named by Forbes as one of the Top 25 Networking Experts, and one of the Top 30 Communications Professionals in the World by Global Gurus. Michelle is a speaker, trainer, executive coach, and author of four books including The Connector's Advantage and The 11 Laws of Likability. She was invited to the Marshall Goldsmith 100 Coaches Group, “100 Coaches Community brings together the world’s premier leadership thinkers” to seek ways to advance positive impact and give back to society.
An executive coach, people expert, and CEO of Executive Essentials, Michelle inspires organizations and individuals to build real relationships and get real results. Having worked with fortune 500, non-profit, university and government clients she’s identified the common struggle… it’s people challenges. When asked by her young son what she does, she simply replied, “I help people work better together.” This purpose has driven her work with clients large and small including JPMorgan, J&J, Deutsche Bank, Michigan State University, MetLife, Sony, Ernst & Young, the Department of Environmental Protection, and Madison Square Garden.
She received her BS from Lehigh University, her MBA from Columbia Business School, holds the PCC designation from the International Coaching Federation, and is certified in Marshall Goldsmith’s Stakeholder Centered Coaching method. Executive Essentials is a certified Women Business Enterprise.